Well I have debated for a few days on wether to write this post but here I am finding the need to get it out.
Wednesday was a rough day for me emotionally for a few hours.
Let me start off by saying that truely, deep down I am estatic and happy for other couples who are trying to get pregnant and get their BFP ("big fat positive").
A co-worker shared their good news with everyone mid-morning on Wednesday. It was completely unexpected and would never of guessed it in a million years. Christine and her husband are both great people and I am so happy for them. They are both 40 and 40+ and she has always said that she (they) never wanted kids. So you can understand my slight shock when I found out. She's 17 weeks which makes it even harder to believe that she kept it a 'secret' that long!
So this leaves us with 5 current pregnancies in my dept (+two out on maternity leave). So as of right now there are co-workers due in October, November, December, January and February. Doesn't help matter that 4 of these women I am 'friends' with at work and so I am not looking forward to work when they are gone on mat leave.
I know we've only been trying for 6 months now but why is it that everyone else has to be trying all of a sudden now too. Of the 5 pregnancies, 2 were sort-of 'accidents' and 2 got KU ('knocked up') on the first try. The women I talk to at work know we are TTC but not much more than that.
Like I said I was so excited to hear about C being pregnant but that quickly faded and then all the 'why not me' thoughts started flowing. Half of what I was feeling was slightly resentful and the other half was anger towards myself for having these thoughts. I hate that I start to think like this when I hear pregnancy news but with currently 10 women I personally know KU it starting to weigh on me.
I was fighting back some tears a few times and managed to pull myself together before anyone caught on to what was going on. I didn't want anyone to think I was the 'stuck-up b*tch' who couldn't be happy for anyone else. Another co-worker Kelly, stopped me and pulled me aside and said "don't worry your time will come". Just when I thought I had gone undetected. Just those simple words started to bring tears to my eyes again so all I could said to her was that I didn't want to talk about it right now or I would start crying. She understood and then let me be. A little while later she was over working near me and I pulled her aside to appologize if I came off rude. She said she understood and then I devulged a little more to her and vented just a little. She was very reassuring and comforting, more importantly she knew where I was coming from.
What stung the most was the comments from other co-workers about those of us who aren't pregnant yet. There is one older lady, Meryl who drives the hell out of me on a daily basis. She is a gossip queen and will walk all the way across the dept to eavesdrop/participate in other peoples conversations, watch what you do on your 'personal' computer time and read over your shoulder (checking email, FB, etc.) So of course she was in the middle of this conversation and had lots to say. "Alright girls, who's next?", "There's still time for you all to be off on maternity leave together if the rest of you hurry", blah blah blah. I wanted to slap her. Instead when she said something about us hurrying I said "Its not from lack of trying" and walked about. I didn't hear another peep out of her after that.
Then later in the day someone taped a note to the water cooler that said "Caution may cause pregnancy". At first I had a sense of humour about it but the more I thought about it that quickly faded. Walking by and seeing that for the rest of the afternoon made me want to knock it over. No one still has claimed ownership to putting it there. Christine despite being KU, confessed to me later that day that it was pissing her off too and that she didn't find it funny either. Made me feel better knowing that it wasn't just me.
I just wish people would be more sensitive about things like this. The what I consider to be 'rude' comments from other co-workers should be kept to themselves. What do they know. The other women and I in the 'non-pregnant' group could be dealing with some issues preventing pregnancy or making it difficult. Therefor those comments can be hurtful and painful to hear. I know for a fact that another co-worker would love to be TTC right now but can't due to her body on the process to recovering from having to have her thyroid radiated. By the look on her face, she doesn't appreciate these comments either.
I've decided for myself that I'm not going to deal with them anymore. Without turning into a b*tch, I am going to hopefully put an end to those comments by not ignoring them and instead responding to them with firm neutral responses. Hopefully Meryl will learn some boundaries and keep her nose out of my business.
I was 'secretly' texting my BF, Erika during all of this and she was being such an amazing friend and really helped to calm me down. I decided to take a long lunch and meet up with her. I just needed to get out of the building and clear my head. We had a great lunch and it was just what I needed. I went back to work feeling refreshed and much better about the situation. More importantly I was able to forget all the negativity I was feeling. I cannot praise Erika enough for her role in my life. I really don't know what I would do without her. She always comes through for me when I need her.
So glad to get this all down...definitely needed it. Now to enjoy the yummy chicken dinner that I have cooking and watch some football with Mr.M
-Mrs
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