Gone but never forgotten....

Well this post as been a long time coming for reasons unknown.

Just about every day I said to myself "Today is the day I will finally write something about our experience". Every day I don't. Like going to the gym, the hardest part is just going to do it. Now that I sit here I find it enjoyable to once again be posting on my blog. Also I've wanted to write about so many times about the things that have been happening in our daily lives but didn't feel right doing so until I wrote this post.

In the beginning I had full intentions of sharing my full experience in case it helped even one other woman going through the same thing. More and more with each day I feel less compelled to do so. I'm disappointed that I didn't write this sooner but at the same time I think it was best I dealt with it and let it go. Going back to remember those details would be counter-productive to trying to look to the future.

Fair warning I have a feeling this is going to be a long one!
Here goes....

Mr and I had a trip planned to Toronto on February 20. On February 14, I was on a day off from work and decided to go to the emergency dept for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay before our trip. Before you judge, I didn't go for no reason at all. In the middle of January (~7 weeks) I called my Drs office with concerns. A few times a week I was having some strong cramps and spotted once. Since the beginning I had very few symptoms. Fatigue and increased appetite were about the only steady symptoms I had. Those symptoms slowly disappeared starting about a week prior to my phone call. I asked to have an ultrasound done and/or some blood work. The nurse called me back and said the Dr didn't think it was necessary. Flash forward - after meeting with my Dr two weeks ago to talk about everything that happened I found out it was all a mistake - my message wasn't communicated properly to her. After that appointment I went from hating my Dr to loving her.

Long story short about February 14. Dr did a scan with a portable machine, said nothing the entire time except for at the end.
"I can't find a heartbeat. I'm going to order a scan with the big machine. A nurse will be in to see you and prepare"
My heart sank. I wanted to punch him. Why would you do that? Not to mention say it like it is no big deal. I should of been 11 weeks therefor you should have no problem finding it. Talk about no bedside manner.
I went for a dildo cam ultrasound. The technician said nothing during the scan. Had to wait afterwards for about an hour. Mr. was just working across the street for the day so he came over. The Dr. came in and told us the news. The baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. Again this a$$hole had no compassion or emotion. I started to get upset. He then asks me why I am upset. Again strong urge to punch him in the face. My response "I think that is a stupid question considering the news you just gave us" He had nothing to say he just sat there for a minute. I had to actually look at him and ask him to leave and give us a few minutes. He came back and told us to come back to see the OBGYN on call a few hours later.
A lot of crying and sobbing took place for the next two hours. Mr showed up at home with a beautiful card and even more beautiful roses for me.

The OBGYN gave is an option of a D&C or medication. After discussing it I decided to go with the medication. Didn't want to go through surgery with our trip coming in less than a week. If I could go back, I would have opted for the D&C.
The long and short of the meds. A lot of bleeding and such painful cramps. The worst of it all is that towards the end of the process I was sitting on the toilet when a wave of nausea came over me. Next thing I know my father-in-law (who happened to be home on his lunch break) was tucking me in on the couch. My blood pressure dropped and I passed out. Apparently I made my way to the living room to the couch and managed to call Mr. I told him I was scared because I didn't remember and I thought that I hit my head. Wish they had of told me that someone should be home with me during the process and more about the possibility of my blood pressure lowering.
I was left with the wounds to prove it too. I had floor 'burns' above my eye and in the corner of one eye and to this day my cheek bone still hurts if I lean on it or touch it to hard. So bad enough that it happened in the first place but now I have a discoloration above my eye that reminds me of the experience every day.

I met with the OBGYN again on Saturday for another ultrasound to see if everything had passed...it hadn't. He told us to go and enjoy our trip and he would see me again when I got back.
Fast forward to Feb 27. After light bleeding throughout our trip and passing a few more clots I was hoping for good news at the OBGYN. Unfortunately there was no change and he informed me that I needed a D&C after all. We scheduled it for the next day.
I was extremely nervous going into the whole thing but once it was all said and done it was a piece of cake. The nurses were amazing and were so helpful to talk to. My nurse actually had been in my shoes before and was really sincere and heartfelt in the support she gave me. Felt great a few hours later and the bleeding stopped the next day. I go back to see him in his office in a few weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it.

During the three week period this was all taking place I had an amazing support around me. I cannot say enough how much Mr really stepped up to the plate. I always knew he was a great guy but his care and support was something I could of only dreamed of. I knew he was excited about the baby but I didn't know how much until I found us crying together in each other arms. He was more attentive and loving during the whole process. We aren't big on talking about our feelings or discussing things in depth but that changed too. We did a lot of talking and he did a lot of true listening to me and my feelings. He came to every appointment with me and knew just as much about what was going on as I did. This experience definitely brought us closer together and solidified our love more than it already was.
Even though he was amazing I found the need to talk to someone who had been there before. By chance a co-worker who I had been talking to and knew the situation approached another co-worker and asked her to talk to me. Come to find out that she had gone through the same thing I had with a lot of similarities. She too had been 11 weeks and lost the baby at 6 and had done the medication but ended up needing a D&C. She was an invaluable resource to me and I was so glad that I had her to just vent and talk to. She gave me so much comfort and hope....as she now had a beautiful and happy 6 month old baby girl!

So now we wait for this interim cycle to be over. I have yet to get my period and never thought I would be looking forward to it so much. Hoping that everything returns to normal soon and we can get back on the baby making wagon!

Well I guess that's the end of my story...for now!

-Mrs

Birthday Backlash

I can't believe I am about to write about this ridiculousness and what I can't believe more is that my mother-in-law is actually this shallow.

*sigh*

Here goes....

Mr.'s mother called last night at 10:30 to tell him that she was cancelling his fathers birthday supper. At the time she wouldn't say why just called to tell us that it wasn't going to happen. When Mr. got home from work today he had more details as to the why. He called her and pried the info out of her this morning. She didn't want to have a repeat of my birthday supper where everyone ended up pissy at the end of the night.
The reasons for the cancellation:

- My FIL and BIL eating before we were there
- Mr. being late to supper - not his fault
- MIL thought I was stoned - ps this woman is delusional she thinks everyone is on drugs all the time. Not even sure where she comes up with these ideas.
and my favorite
- I didn't "like" her Happy Birthday post on my FB wall but liked everyone else's - which was completely accidental and I missed two other posts too not just hers.

I love my in-laws most of the time but in times like this my MIL makes me want to scream. Like does this really sound like the attitude an almost 50 year old woman should have.

I am sorry your feelings were hurt. HELLO!!! What about mine?? Last time I checked it was my birthday supper that was ruined and my feelings were hurt. How dare she make Mr. and I out to be the bad guys in this situation when it was for me!
I was so mad when Mr. told me all of this tonight. I didn't know how to process the information and of course all these pregnancy hormones just seem to magnify everything. I was in the bathroom and he came in and asked me if I was okay and I just off loaded on him about it all, sobbing in the process. I did feel a lot better after a good vent and a cry. It helped to take the edge off me wanting to go give her a piece of my mind but I would still love to have a real conversation with her.

However, can't say anything to the woman or have an adult conversation about anything.
Her feelings and thoughts are the only ones that are important and I guess it has been this way forever. If you question anything she has to say or confront her when she gets ridiculous like this she completely shuts down like a spoiled brat. I have been wanting to march over there all night and talk to her like an adult about this but if I had she wouldn't of talked to me for weeks - no joke. She has actually 'runaway' before on more than one occasion for a night or two when she got upset and went on about how no one appreciates her, blah, blah, blah. She is way too overly sensitive about everything around her. I actually honestly think she needs to go talk to someone and perhaps get on some medication because she has so many ups and downs it's hard to keep track of her moods and how you should act accordingly to them.

I think deep down the part that upsets me the most is that I was actually looking forward to FIL's birthday supper for a long time now. Mr and I had planned on telling them about the baby that night when everyone was together....and happy.
I bought him a frame that says: Grand kids.....complete the circle of life.
Now since this I don't even care anymore and the excitement has worn off. Just felt like marching over there today and telling her that there are more important things in life than the things she wraps her self up in and blurting out that I was pregnant.
I have made one decision though that I shared with Mr. earlier. Told him that things are going to change once this baby comes because I will not be walking on egg shells around her like everyone does now. If there are things that I don't like and they concern us, the baby or our family and she is is bringing her drama along with with I am saying something. I am not going to sit by and allow her to run our family too and am done being wrapped around her finger and acting according to her moods.

Well I am officially done putting time and energy into her and what happened. I've vented to Erika, Mr. and now on the blog. I think I covered all my bases.

Time to go eat the last piece of birthday cake and completely put this birthday behind me! :)

- Mrs

I don't bite...unless you want me to

I know most of my audience is from The Bump and since joining my BMB, my blog is listed on our blog. If any of you are stoppping by and want to keep up with my less than stellar blog on days when you have nothing better to do please feel free to do so. So don't be scared to become a "Follower" or leave comments on how "exciting" my life is!

:)

- Mrs

Birthday Highs and Lows

I know so much for updating more....I might get around to it!

Yesterday was my 29th birthday......so close to 30 that it sounds scary. I would like to know where my 20's went. I can't even remember and they were over before I knew it.
I had a decent day yesterday for the most part. I am so glad I took the day off work because who wants to work on their birthday!

I started off the day by sleeping in until 8:30!!! For someone who can't sleep in past 6:30 this is a huge accomplishment. I spend the morning louging around with Phoenix in my jammies like a slob with my unbrushed hair, catching up on some great Mtv programing. By that I am referring to Teen Mom 2 and Jersey Shore. Finally had a shower around lunch time. Used up all the hot water and my fingers were a little pruney when I got out. Went to town and picked up a few things at the store and then spent the afternoon being lazy and having a nap with Phoenix. What a great way to spend your birthday!

Mr.'s mom always has us over for birthday suppers. So I was looking forward to it all day because it is always pretty good and we have something the birthday person likes for supper. Mr. called at 4:30 and said it was going to be about 20 min late coming home - supper was supposed to be 5:30 so not really any big deal if he was a few minutes late. This is unless you are late for supper when Mr.'s mom is cooking it. She calls at 5:32 wondering where we are and I told her I would be over in a few and Mr. was almost home. Of course she sounds lesss than impressed like always. I got ready and went over and was so pissed when I got there I acutally wanted to leave and almost started crying - thanks pregnancy hormones. Mr.'s father was already sitting down to eat, Mr.'s younger brother had already eaten and from a distance I see we are having cheeseburgers. Definitely not something I would pick for my birthday supper. My love for chicken far exceeds my moderate like for red meat. I was kinda curious what would be for supper since she usually asks the birthday person what they would like.
I just couldn't believe that while I sat there and waited for Mr. to be there to start supper, two of them had already eaten. How unbelievably rude. When Mr. showed up the first comment his mom made was about him being late and saying that supper had been ready since 5:00!! She always has supper ready too early so most times when it's at 5:30 its half cold anways but knowing that Mr. isn't home until atleast 5:30. So Mr, myself and his mom sit down to eat. She then goes on to complain that the chicken alfredo she made is cold and sticky now because it has been sitting too long and it was fine at 5:00. It was gross....the pasta was not rinsed so it was starchy and she didn't put enough sauce on it. That's why it turned to crap not because we were "late" As I choked back the supper that I didn't want to eat at all half out of disgust of the actions of his family, I found myself again choking back tears.
This was not how I wanted to end my birthday. Mr.'s mom cleaned up the table and then just told Mr. to hand me my cards - Mr and I were the only ones left at the table everyone else was staring at the tv. I don't know what they hell their problem was yesterday they are usually not like that at all.

Needless to say that Mr. and I didn't stay long after supper. When we got home Mr. had a beautiful boquet of flowers waiting for me and a really sweet card.

It definitely made up for the crappy time at his parents place. We spent the rest of the night cuddled in bed with Phoenix watching tv. I wouldn't of wanted to spend my evening any other way.

Well one more year closer to 30 but also closer to meeting our baby which I think will make turning 30 that much more special and a lot less scary!

- Mrs

a Baby?......A BABY!!

Well I think it's time to remove the ? from my title.

I took a test on Christmas eve without much hope of seeing a + but low and behold it popped up right away. I had planned on waiting until Christmas to test but I got a sign that made me test early. Mr and I ordered in Chinese for supper on Christmas eve and after reading my fortune I thought I should test.

Testing Christmas eve did have one down side - I couldn't tell Mr right away. After we finished our supper E and A came over for a visit and to open presents and then we went to Mr's parents place to hang out for a bit. I also had to work Christmas day so I didn't want to just tell Mr and run. Also I had a cute way of telling him planned and I was not at all ready for it and didn't have the time to prepare. So Christmas morning I got up extra early before work and ironed on some logos of his fav NHL team to a onesie and a bib and got is present all ready for when I got home from work.

I was so excited to give it to him when I got home that I didn't even bother to wrap it. Just put it in a box with some tissue and the tests underneath the onesie and bib. He was completely confused at first when he opened it. Looked and me, looked at the bib, looked at me then seen the tests peeking out from underneath the onesie. Needless to say when he finally clued in he was in shock. We must of hugged a dozen times in the matter of a minute. He is beyond excited and has been so great with everything since I told him.

Christmas seems to be our time of year. Five years ago I brought home our boxer baby P as a surprise present for Mr, then in 2008 he proposed on Christmas Eve and now a baby in 2011!

We haven't told our parents yet. I'm open to telling Mr's parents when ever because they just live next door and well they are going to figure something is up sooner or later. As for my parents they both live four hours away in a different province and my mom and her husband are also gone to Florida now until February. So I can't tell my father without telling my mother and I don't want to tell either of them over the phone so I guess it will have to wait until February sometime.
Of course Erika already knows and Mr told his best friend Taylor before he left to go back out West for work and he won't be home until May.

Right now my EDD is September 5, 2011. Mr's birthday happens to be Sept 6  and Aly's birthday is Sept 2.

I went to my Drs last week to confirm with a blood test and it came back positive. I'm going to call this week sometime to schedule an appointment to talk to my Dr and see what happens from here as the nurse wasn't very helpful over the phone.

So fingers crossed and hope that everything goes well from here!

- Mrs