CAUTION: Rant Ahead

Sunday Sucked...big time. Fair warning, this is going to be long!
Lets start at the beginning.

Woke up Sunday morning after only getting about 3 hours of sleep. Mr.M is a volunteer Fire Fighter and was out on a call Saturday night and didn't get home until 2:30am. I can never sleep when he's gone to a call so it was about 3 or 3:30am by the time I got to sleep.
Still half asleep I found my way to the bathroom and there she was. That nasty little b*tch that I would love to punch in the face if I could....AF. Like seriously, WTF. Not fair at all. She showed up 3 days early and with no warning. So there I sat at 6:30 in the morning in the bathroom sobbing.
Then the thoughts about my cycle start.

This gives me a 9 day LP - seriously...thought we agreed on 12.
Past two cycles my post-O symptoms have been similar...this cycle they were different.
What pissed me off the most was my later than normal O this cycle. Have been ovulating around CD15-17. This cycle - CD 21. All cycle I prayed for an earlier or later than normal O because Mr. was out of town the weekend I typically would of O'd. Then when my wish was granted I thought *maybe* this is a sign that this cycle is our cycle to conceive. NOPE! The joke is on me.

I sobbed some more then put on my big girl panties and went to get coffee (Mr. was still sleeping). Got myself a full cup of caffeine (usually get 1/2 decaf) and thoroughly enjoyed every drop! Spend an hour sitting out on the deck with my coffee, my thoughts and Phoenix. She is always great company when I'm feeling down.

So the other great part about AF showing up was that I was out of tampons and it was Sunday. Couldn't just pop down to the pharmacy down the street to hold me over. Had to make myself look decent enough to be in public - remember I'm on three hours of sleep and feel like a bag of crap thanks to the cramps AF brought with her. Ugh FML. So I headed into Shoppers Drug Mart. Was just going to be an in and out trip but when I got there I crossed off that plan and decided to be nosey and have some retail therapy. Had a great little shopping trip and found some great deals/sales.
Well my suddenly uplifted mood left as soon as it arrived when I went to get some tampons. Why must the pads and tampons be in the same friggin aisle as the baby stuff. The thought seriously crossed my mind to run down the aisle with my hand out and knock all the diapers off and then drop kick a few. Instead I pulled my big girl panties up a little higher and reluctantly got what I needed and got out of there and headed up. Once again with my mood in the dumps.

Our afternoon was spent watching football just like every other Sunday this time of year. It was a great way to spend an otherwise crappy day with Mr. Well that is until the Eagles (Mr.'s team) and the Patriots (my team) both got an ass whooping.

What a crap-tastic day yesterday was!

Woke up this morning with a killer headache and with what felt like a demolition crew in my uterus. Turned the alarm off, rolled back over and decided that I wasn't going to work today. Didn't feel like dealing with all of that at work...or baby factory whatever you want to call it.

To top Sunday off I logged on to The Bump today and was greeted with this:

Thanks Bump...just what I wanted to see this morning!

Spent my frustration cleaning and organizing the bathroom cabinets this afternoon.
On the upside for today, my friend (who is also my hairdresser) asked me to be her model for a fun hair show in November! So pumped! Definitely needed that today!

Well on to cycle 7 I guess....here's to hoping this is the one.....*sigh*

Mrs.M

Yet another announcement....

Well I have debated for a few days on wether to write this post but here I am finding the need to get it out.

Wednesday was a rough day for me emotionally for a few hours.
Let me start off by saying that truely, deep down I am estatic and happy for other couples who are trying to get pregnant and get their BFP ("big fat positive").

A co-worker shared their good news with everyone mid-morning on Wednesday. It was completely unexpected and would never of guessed it in a million years. Christine and her husband are both great people and I am so happy for them. They are both 40 and 40+ and she has always said that she (they) never wanted kids. So you can understand my slight shock when I found out. She's 17 weeks which makes it even harder to believe that she kept it a 'secret' that long!

So this leaves us with 5 current pregnancies in my dept (+two out on maternity leave). So as of right now there are co-workers due in October, November, December, January and February. Doesn't help matter that 4 of these women I am 'friends' with at work and so I am not looking forward to work when they are gone on mat leave.

I know we've only been trying for 6 months now but why is it that everyone else has to be trying all of a sudden now too. Of the 5 pregnancies, 2 were sort-of 'accidents' and 2 got KU ('knocked up') on the first try. The women I talk to at work know we are TTC but not much more than that.
Like I said I was so excited to hear about C being pregnant but that quickly faded and then all the 'why not me' thoughts started flowing. Half of what I was feeling was slightly resentful and the other half was anger towards myself for having these thoughts. I hate that I start to think like this when I hear pregnancy news but with currently 10 women I personally know KU it starting to weigh on me.

I was fighting back some tears a few times and managed to pull myself together before anyone caught on to what was going on. I didn't want anyone to think I was the 'stuck-up b*tch' who couldn't be happy for anyone else. Another co-worker Kelly, stopped me and pulled me aside and said "don't worry your time will come". Just when I thought I had gone undetected. Just those simple words started to bring tears to my eyes again so all I could said to her was that I didn't want to talk about it right now or I would start crying. She understood and then let me be. A little while later she was over working near me and I pulled her aside to appologize if I came off rude. She said she understood and then I devulged a little more to her and vented just a little. She was very reassuring and comforting, more importantly she knew where I was coming from.

What stung the most was the comments from other co-workers about those of us who aren't pregnant yet. There is one older lady, Meryl who drives the hell out of me on a daily basis. She is a gossip queen and will walk all the way across the dept to eavesdrop/participate in other peoples conversations, watch what you do on your 'personal' computer time and read over your shoulder (checking email, FB, etc.) So of course she was in the middle of this conversation and had lots to say. "Alright girls, who's next?", "There's still time for you all to be off on maternity leave together if the rest of you hurry", blah blah blah. I wanted to slap her. Instead when she said something about us hurrying I said "Its not from lack of trying" and walked about. I didn't hear another peep out of her after that.
Then later in the day someone taped a note to the water cooler that said "Caution may cause pregnancy". At first I had a sense of humour about it but the more I thought about it that quickly faded. Walking by and seeing that for the rest of the afternoon made me want to knock it over. No one still has claimed ownership to putting it there. Christine despite being KU, confessed to me later that day that it was pissing her off too and that she didn't find it funny either. Made me feel better knowing that it wasn't just me.
I just wish people would be more sensitive about things like this. The what I consider to be 'rude' comments from other co-workers should be kept to themselves. What do they know. The other women and I in the 'non-pregnant' group could be dealing with some issues preventing pregnancy or making it difficult. Therefor those comments can be hurtful and painful to hear. I know for a fact that another co-worker would love to be TTC right now but can't due to her body on the process to recovering from having to have her thyroid radiated. By the look on her face, she doesn't appreciate these comments either.
I've decided for myself that I'm not going to deal with them anymore. Without turning into a b*tch, I am going to hopefully put an end to those comments by not ignoring them and instead responding to them with firm neutral responses. Hopefully Meryl will learn some boundaries and keep her nose out of my business.

I was 'secretly' texting my BF, Erika during all of this and she was being such an amazing friend and really helped to calm me down. I decided to take a long lunch and meet up with her. I just needed to get out of the building and clear my head. We had a great lunch and it was just what I needed. I went back to work feeling refreshed and much better about the situation. More importantly I was able to forget all the negativity I was feeling. I cannot praise Erika enough for her role in my life. I really don't know what I would do without her. She always comes through for me when I need her.

So glad to get this all down...definitely needed it. Now to enjoy the yummy chicken dinner that I have cooking and watch some football with Mr.M

-Mrs

One is the loneliest number....

Mr. left on Thursday morning to go to a softball tournament 12 hours away in another province. Kept myself busy until tonight so I'm really missing his presense in the house.

Thursday night I got together with a friend Rachel to hang out for a few hours and watch Big Brother. We are both 'ball widows' this week as our husbands both play on the same team (and are best friends). I think we both enjoyed having someone else to watch the show with seeing as it something we both normally do with our husbands. Had a hard time falling asleep that night though as I normally do if he's not home. Ended up sleeping on the couch because I was too lazy to get up and go to bed.

Friday I spent the evening with Erika and baby Aly...well I guess I can't really call her a baby anymore. She just turned two at the beginning of the month and I still can't believe it. I picked up some takeout on my way there and we had a lovely dinner. A definately kept my mind off missing Mr.M. She kills me with her laugh and her little facial expressions. I notice more and more lately how she is turning into a little girl now and developing quite the little personality. She is a very special little girl to me and lights up my day every time I see her.
After A went to bed, Erika and I watched Arthur. Had quite a few good laughs thas for sure! Mr. called during the movie. He was texting me Thursday and Friday but it was on Rachel's hubbys phone so it just didn't feel the same. Was never 100% sure who I was talking to. It was nice to finally get to actually talk to him and hear his voice. 

Had a great time the past two days but here I am tonight feeling pretty lonely. I switched my weekend shifts at work from next weekend to this weekend, so that I could work this weekend while Mr. was gone to avoid feeling lonely all day. I'm torn with how I feel about missing him.

On one hand it's normal to miss someone when they are gone but on the other I can't help but think I'm too attached. Our furbaby Phoenix certainly misses him too. She's always looking for him and waiting him to walk in the door behind me. Breaks my heart a little more seeing her miss him.  For whatever reason if Mr. is gone for more than a day I find myself dwelling on the fact that he's gone. When ever we are both home I have no problem finding things to keep me busy. I see other wives/girlfriends excited and celebrating when their other halves are away for a few days. Happy that they have a few days for themselves and can do whatever they want. I don't think that will ever be me. I know me and I know that I can 'live' without Mr. literally speaking for a few days but what I really know is that given the choice I would rather have him here. You can't be a Mrs. without a Mr.

As far as girlfriends go, I really only have Rachel and Erika that I see on a regular basis and talk to.
So other than them, Mr. is the only other constant thing I can count on.
The one who asks me about my day, the one who shares his stories with me, the one who's always there with a helping hand, the one who knows me best and the one who always knows how to make me smile. I miss the ways he makes me smile and laugh the most.
I love our life and everything in it and wouldn't change it for anything. I love the simplicity of it and how genuine it is.

Finally with all that said I feel a million times better. I guess I just needed to get it out and breathe. Mr. will be home before I know it and doing something to annoy me! Such is the married life!

Now I think it's time to curl up with Phoenix and watch a chick-flick!

Mrs.M

Awkward

Last night Mr.M and I stayed in and watched a movie. Not out of the ordinary for us. We watch so many movies I forget what we've seen. More and more lately it seems the movies we watch seem to have a pregnant woman in them - or it is just that I'm actually noticing it more?

This has left me feeling like I'm back in my late teens/early twenties. When watching movies with a boy that had sex scenes left an awkward or uncomfortable feeling in the air. In the movie last night there was a lot of pregnancy related attention and conversation. I found myself shying away from Mr. during these scenes.

I'm a grown married woman...why do I feel so embarassed about this? Why is a movie making me feel so incomplete not being pregnant...like I don't measure up for whatever reason. Why am I getting so worked up about not being pregnant yet? Its only been 6 months. I battled these thoughts back and forth in my head thoughout the movie. Mostly being angry with myself for letting something like this get to me.

But with one simple gesture from Mr. a weight was lifted. It's amazing how a simple, out of the blue kiss can make all the thoughts and worry disappear.

Sometimes its the simple things in life that take our breath away....

Mrs.M

Ready, Set, Go!

Well here it is. Finally sitting down to write my first post in my blog.
I have been pondering the idea of starting one for a few months now. Before I met Mr.M and while we were dating I loved using diary-x and livejournal as a place to vent and get my thoughts out of my head. So here I am again finding the need to have an outlet for all of lifes ups and downs.

I met Mr. at university in 2003. I hate saying it was love at first site for the sake of sounding corny but I think it was. Before him, my longest relationship was just a few months and I always found something to turn me off a guy. There was just something about him that clicked with me. We had a very long and rocky road over the next year and a half that I won't get into. I hate that part of mine/our past and am not proud of a lot of things. Through it all I just couldn't shake him from my mind or my heart. In January 2005, I took a leap of faith and I moved where I am today to be with him and hopefully find our happy ending. We're far from perfect but I wouldn't change where or who I am today and have truely found happiness with him and am so thankful that I listened to my heart for the first time in my life. We got engaged on Christmas Eve 2008 and were married in August of 2010. It was the most amazing and perfect day and I couldn't of asked for anything more.

Mr and I are both 28...well he will be 28 in a few days. The love of both of our lives is our fur-baby P. She is a boxer and will be 5 years old in October. I can't remember what life was like for us before she came into our lives. I got her as a surprise Christmas present for Mr. in 2006. She is such a daddy's girl and to this day remains the best present he has ever received!

Mr and I survived our first year of marriage and are now looking forward to the next step in our lives; a baby. We have been TTC (trying to conceive) since April - currently on cycle 7 cycle 6.(oops) A year ago I thought I was ready for and wanted a baby but I now know 100% that I am at the right place in life and the desire is that much stronger. Mr and I had a heart to heart about starting a family while on our honeymoon in the Dominican in March. First serious adult conversation we had as a married couple. Just watching him interact with my best friends two year old daughter is priceless to me. I know he will be an amazing dad and can't wait for that day to come when I can tell him he's going to be a father.

So that's us in a nutshell. Looking forward to having my own place where I can share, vent, and most of all a place where I can breathe and just be me.

-Mrs.M