Just about every day I said to myself "Today is the day I will finally write something about our experience". Every day I don't. Like going to the gym, the hardest part is just going to do it. Now that I sit here I find it enjoyable to once again be posting on my blog. Also I've wanted to write about so many times about the things that have been happening in our daily lives but didn't feel right doing so until I wrote this post.
In the beginning I had full intentions of sharing my full experience in case it helped even one other woman going through the same thing. More and more with each day I feel less compelled to do so. I'm disappointed that I didn't write this sooner but at the same time I think it was best I dealt with it and let it go. Going back to remember those details would be counter-productive to trying to look to the future.
Fair warning I have a feeling this is going to be a long one!
Here goes....
Mr and I had a trip planned to Toronto on February 20. On February 14, I was on a day off from work and decided to go to the emergency dept for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay before our trip. Before you judge, I didn't go for no reason at all. In the middle of January (~7 weeks) I called my Drs office with concerns. A few times a week I was having some strong cramps and spotted once. Since the beginning I had very few symptoms. Fatigue and increased appetite were about the only steady symptoms I had. Those symptoms slowly disappeared starting about a week prior to my phone call. I asked to have an ultrasound done and/or some blood work. The nurse called me back and said the Dr didn't think it was necessary. Flash forward - after meeting with my Dr two weeks ago to talk about everything that happened I found out it was all a mistake - my message wasn't communicated properly to her. After that appointment I went from hating my Dr to loving her.
Long story short about February 14. Dr did a scan with a portable machine, said nothing the entire time except for at the end.
"I can't find a heartbeat. I'm going to order a scan with the big machine. A nurse will be in to see you and prepare"
My heart sank. I wanted to punch him. Why would you do that? Not to mention say it like it is no big deal. I should of been 11 weeks therefor you should have no problem finding it. Talk about no bedside manner.
I went for a dildo cam ultrasound. The technician said nothing during the scan. Had to wait afterwards for about an hour. Mr. was just working across the street for the day so he came over. The Dr. came in and told us the news. The baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. Again this a$$hole had no compassion or emotion. I started to get upset. He then asks me why I am upset. Again strong urge to punch him in the face. My response "I think that is a stupid question considering the news you just gave us" He had nothing to say he just sat there for a minute. I had to actually look at him and ask him to leave and give us a few minutes. He came back and told us to come back to see the OBGYN on call a few hours later.
A lot of crying and sobbing took place for the next two hours. Mr showed up at home with a beautiful card and even more beautiful roses for me.
The OBGYN gave is an option of a D&C or medication. After discussing it I decided to go with the medication. Didn't want to go through surgery with our trip coming in less than a week. If I could go back, I would have opted for the D&C.
The long and short of the meds. A lot of bleeding and such painful cramps. The worst of it all is that towards the end of the process I was sitting on the toilet when a wave of nausea came over me. Next thing I know my father-in-law (who happened to be home on his lunch break) was tucking me in on the couch. My blood pressure dropped and I passed out. Apparently I made my way to the living room to the couch and managed to call Mr. I told him I was scared because I didn't remember and I thought that I hit my head. Wish they had of told me that someone should be home with me during the process and more about the possibility of my blood pressure lowering.
I was left with the wounds to prove it too. I had floor 'burns' above my eye and in the corner of one eye and to this day my cheek bone still hurts if I lean on it or touch it to hard. So bad enough that it happened in the first place but now I have a discoloration above my eye that reminds me of the experience every day.
Fast forward to Feb 27. After light bleeding throughout our trip and passing a few more clots I was hoping for good news at the OBGYN. Unfortunately there was no change and he informed me that I needed a D&C after all. We scheduled it for the next day.
I was extremely nervous going into the whole thing but once it was all said and done it was a piece of cake. The nurses were amazing and were so helpful to talk to. My nurse actually had been in my shoes before and was really sincere and heartfelt in the support she gave me. Felt great a few hours later and the bleeding stopped the next day. I go back to see him in his office in a few weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it.
During the three week period this was all taking place I had an amazing support around me. I cannot say enough how much Mr really stepped up to the plate. I always knew he was a great guy but his care and support was something I could of only dreamed of. I knew he was excited about the baby but I didn't know how much until I found us crying together in each other arms. He was more attentive and loving during the whole process. We aren't big on talking about our feelings or discussing things in depth but that changed too. We did a lot of talking and he did a lot of true listening to me and my feelings. He came to every appointment with me and knew just as much about what was going on as I did. This experience definitely brought us closer together and solidified our love more than it already was.
Even though he was amazing I found the need to talk to someone who had been there before. By chance a co-worker who I had been talking to and knew the situation approached another co-worker and asked her to talk to me. Come to find out that she had gone through the same thing I had with a lot of similarities. She too had been 11 weeks and lost the baby at 6 and had done the medication but ended up needing a D&C. She was an invaluable resource to me and I was so glad that I had her to just vent and talk to. She gave me so much comfort and hope....as she now had a beautiful and happy 6 month old baby girl!
So now we wait for this interim cycle to be over. I have yet to get my period and never thought I would be looking forward to it so much. Hoping that everything returns to normal soon and we can get back on the baby making wagon!
Well I guess that's the end of my story...for now!
-Mrs
