Gone but never forgotten....

Well this post as been a long time coming for reasons unknown.

Just about every day I said to myself "Today is the day I will finally write something about our experience". Every day I don't. Like going to the gym, the hardest part is just going to do it. Now that I sit here I find it enjoyable to once again be posting on my blog. Also I've wanted to write about so many times about the things that have been happening in our daily lives but didn't feel right doing so until I wrote this post.

In the beginning I had full intentions of sharing my full experience in case it helped even one other woman going through the same thing. More and more with each day I feel less compelled to do so. I'm disappointed that I didn't write this sooner but at the same time I think it was best I dealt with it and let it go. Going back to remember those details would be counter-productive to trying to look to the future.

Fair warning I have a feeling this is going to be a long one!
Here goes....

Mr and I had a trip planned to Toronto on February 20. On February 14, I was on a day off from work and decided to go to the emergency dept for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay before our trip. Before you judge, I didn't go for no reason at all. In the middle of January (~7 weeks) I called my Drs office with concerns. A few times a week I was having some strong cramps and spotted once. Since the beginning I had very few symptoms. Fatigue and increased appetite were about the only steady symptoms I had. Those symptoms slowly disappeared starting about a week prior to my phone call. I asked to have an ultrasound done and/or some blood work. The nurse called me back and said the Dr didn't think it was necessary. Flash forward - after meeting with my Dr two weeks ago to talk about everything that happened I found out it was all a mistake - my message wasn't communicated properly to her. After that appointment I went from hating my Dr to loving her.

Long story short about February 14. Dr did a scan with a portable machine, said nothing the entire time except for at the end.
"I can't find a heartbeat. I'm going to order a scan with the big machine. A nurse will be in to see you and prepare"
My heart sank. I wanted to punch him. Why would you do that? Not to mention say it like it is no big deal. I should of been 11 weeks therefor you should have no problem finding it. Talk about no bedside manner.
I went for a dildo cam ultrasound. The technician said nothing during the scan. Had to wait afterwards for about an hour. Mr. was just working across the street for the day so he came over. The Dr. came in and told us the news. The baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. Again this a$$hole had no compassion or emotion. I started to get upset. He then asks me why I am upset. Again strong urge to punch him in the face. My response "I think that is a stupid question considering the news you just gave us" He had nothing to say he just sat there for a minute. I had to actually look at him and ask him to leave and give us a few minutes. He came back and told us to come back to see the OBGYN on call a few hours later.
A lot of crying and sobbing took place for the next two hours. Mr showed up at home with a beautiful card and even more beautiful roses for me.

The OBGYN gave is an option of a D&C or medication. After discussing it I decided to go with the medication. Didn't want to go through surgery with our trip coming in less than a week. If I could go back, I would have opted for the D&C.
The long and short of the meds. A lot of bleeding and such painful cramps. The worst of it all is that towards the end of the process I was sitting on the toilet when a wave of nausea came over me. Next thing I know my father-in-law (who happened to be home on his lunch break) was tucking me in on the couch. My blood pressure dropped and I passed out. Apparently I made my way to the living room to the couch and managed to call Mr. I told him I was scared because I didn't remember and I thought that I hit my head. Wish they had of told me that someone should be home with me during the process and more about the possibility of my blood pressure lowering.
I was left with the wounds to prove it too. I had floor 'burns' above my eye and in the corner of one eye and to this day my cheek bone still hurts if I lean on it or touch it to hard. So bad enough that it happened in the first place but now I have a discoloration above my eye that reminds me of the experience every day.

I met with the OBGYN again on Saturday for another ultrasound to see if everything had passed...it hadn't. He told us to go and enjoy our trip and he would see me again when I got back.
Fast forward to Feb 27. After light bleeding throughout our trip and passing a few more clots I was hoping for good news at the OBGYN. Unfortunately there was no change and he informed me that I needed a D&C after all. We scheduled it for the next day.
I was extremely nervous going into the whole thing but once it was all said and done it was a piece of cake. The nurses were amazing and were so helpful to talk to. My nurse actually had been in my shoes before and was really sincere and heartfelt in the support she gave me. Felt great a few hours later and the bleeding stopped the next day. I go back to see him in his office in a few weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it.

During the three week period this was all taking place I had an amazing support around me. I cannot say enough how much Mr really stepped up to the plate. I always knew he was a great guy but his care and support was something I could of only dreamed of. I knew he was excited about the baby but I didn't know how much until I found us crying together in each other arms. He was more attentive and loving during the whole process. We aren't big on talking about our feelings or discussing things in depth but that changed too. We did a lot of talking and he did a lot of true listening to me and my feelings. He came to every appointment with me and knew just as much about what was going on as I did. This experience definitely brought us closer together and solidified our love more than it already was.
Even though he was amazing I found the need to talk to someone who had been there before. By chance a co-worker who I had been talking to and knew the situation approached another co-worker and asked her to talk to me. Come to find out that she had gone through the same thing I had with a lot of similarities. She too had been 11 weeks and lost the baby at 6 and had done the medication but ended up needing a D&C. She was an invaluable resource to me and I was so glad that I had her to just vent and talk to. She gave me so much comfort and hope....as she now had a beautiful and happy 6 month old baby girl!

So now we wait for this interim cycle to be over. I have yet to get my period and never thought I would be looking forward to it so much. Hoping that everything returns to normal soon and we can get back on the baby making wagon!

Well I guess that's the end of my story...for now!

-Mrs

Birthday Backlash

I can't believe I am about to write about this ridiculousness and what I can't believe more is that my mother-in-law is actually this shallow.

*sigh*

Here goes....

Mr.'s mother called last night at 10:30 to tell him that she was cancelling his fathers birthday supper. At the time she wouldn't say why just called to tell us that it wasn't going to happen. When Mr. got home from work today he had more details as to the why. He called her and pried the info out of her this morning. She didn't want to have a repeat of my birthday supper where everyone ended up pissy at the end of the night.
The reasons for the cancellation:

- My FIL and BIL eating before we were there
- Mr. being late to supper - not his fault
- MIL thought I was stoned - ps this woman is delusional she thinks everyone is on drugs all the time. Not even sure where she comes up with these ideas.
and my favorite
- I didn't "like" her Happy Birthday post on my FB wall but liked everyone else's - which was completely accidental and I missed two other posts too not just hers.

I love my in-laws most of the time but in times like this my MIL makes me want to scream. Like does this really sound like the attitude an almost 50 year old woman should have.

I am sorry your feelings were hurt. HELLO!!! What about mine?? Last time I checked it was my birthday supper that was ruined and my feelings were hurt. How dare she make Mr. and I out to be the bad guys in this situation when it was for me!
I was so mad when Mr. told me all of this tonight. I didn't know how to process the information and of course all these pregnancy hormones just seem to magnify everything. I was in the bathroom and he came in and asked me if I was okay and I just off loaded on him about it all, sobbing in the process. I did feel a lot better after a good vent and a cry. It helped to take the edge off me wanting to go give her a piece of my mind but I would still love to have a real conversation with her.

However, can't say anything to the woman or have an adult conversation about anything.
Her feelings and thoughts are the only ones that are important and I guess it has been this way forever. If you question anything she has to say or confront her when she gets ridiculous like this she completely shuts down like a spoiled brat. I have been wanting to march over there all night and talk to her like an adult about this but if I had she wouldn't of talked to me for weeks - no joke. She has actually 'runaway' before on more than one occasion for a night or two when she got upset and went on about how no one appreciates her, blah, blah, blah. She is way too overly sensitive about everything around her. I actually honestly think she needs to go talk to someone and perhaps get on some medication because she has so many ups and downs it's hard to keep track of her moods and how you should act accordingly to them.

I think deep down the part that upsets me the most is that I was actually looking forward to FIL's birthday supper for a long time now. Mr and I had planned on telling them about the baby that night when everyone was together....and happy.
I bought him a frame that says: Grand kids.....complete the circle of life.
Now since this I don't even care anymore and the excitement has worn off. Just felt like marching over there today and telling her that there are more important things in life than the things she wraps her self up in and blurting out that I was pregnant.
I have made one decision though that I shared with Mr. earlier. Told him that things are going to change once this baby comes because I will not be walking on egg shells around her like everyone does now. If there are things that I don't like and they concern us, the baby or our family and she is is bringing her drama along with with I am saying something. I am not going to sit by and allow her to run our family too and am done being wrapped around her finger and acting according to her moods.

Well I am officially done putting time and energy into her and what happened. I've vented to Erika, Mr. and now on the blog. I think I covered all my bases.

Time to go eat the last piece of birthday cake and completely put this birthday behind me! :)

- Mrs

I don't bite...unless you want me to

I know most of my audience is from The Bump and since joining my BMB, my blog is listed on our blog. If any of you are stoppping by and want to keep up with my less than stellar blog on days when you have nothing better to do please feel free to do so. So don't be scared to become a "Follower" or leave comments on how "exciting" my life is!

:)

- Mrs

Birthday Highs and Lows

I know so much for updating more....I might get around to it!

Yesterday was my 29th birthday......so close to 30 that it sounds scary. I would like to know where my 20's went. I can't even remember and they were over before I knew it.
I had a decent day yesterday for the most part. I am so glad I took the day off work because who wants to work on their birthday!

I started off the day by sleeping in until 8:30!!! For someone who can't sleep in past 6:30 this is a huge accomplishment. I spend the morning louging around with Phoenix in my jammies like a slob with my unbrushed hair, catching up on some great Mtv programing. By that I am referring to Teen Mom 2 and Jersey Shore. Finally had a shower around lunch time. Used up all the hot water and my fingers were a little pruney when I got out. Went to town and picked up a few things at the store and then spent the afternoon being lazy and having a nap with Phoenix. What a great way to spend your birthday!

Mr.'s mom always has us over for birthday suppers. So I was looking forward to it all day because it is always pretty good and we have something the birthday person likes for supper. Mr. called at 4:30 and said it was going to be about 20 min late coming home - supper was supposed to be 5:30 so not really any big deal if he was a few minutes late. This is unless you are late for supper when Mr.'s mom is cooking it. She calls at 5:32 wondering where we are and I told her I would be over in a few and Mr. was almost home. Of course she sounds lesss than impressed like always. I got ready and went over and was so pissed when I got there I acutally wanted to leave and almost started crying - thanks pregnancy hormones. Mr.'s father was already sitting down to eat, Mr.'s younger brother had already eaten and from a distance I see we are having cheeseburgers. Definitely not something I would pick for my birthday supper. My love for chicken far exceeds my moderate like for red meat. I was kinda curious what would be for supper since she usually asks the birthday person what they would like.
I just couldn't believe that while I sat there and waited for Mr. to be there to start supper, two of them had already eaten. How unbelievably rude. When Mr. showed up the first comment his mom made was about him being late and saying that supper had been ready since 5:00!! She always has supper ready too early so most times when it's at 5:30 its half cold anways but knowing that Mr. isn't home until atleast 5:30. So Mr, myself and his mom sit down to eat. She then goes on to complain that the chicken alfredo she made is cold and sticky now because it has been sitting too long and it was fine at 5:00. It was gross....the pasta was not rinsed so it was starchy and she didn't put enough sauce on it. That's why it turned to crap not because we were "late" As I choked back the supper that I didn't want to eat at all half out of disgust of the actions of his family, I found myself again choking back tears.
This was not how I wanted to end my birthday. Mr.'s mom cleaned up the table and then just told Mr. to hand me my cards - Mr and I were the only ones left at the table everyone else was staring at the tv. I don't know what they hell their problem was yesterday they are usually not like that at all.

Needless to say that Mr. and I didn't stay long after supper. When we got home Mr. had a beautiful boquet of flowers waiting for me and a really sweet card.

It definitely made up for the crappy time at his parents place. We spent the rest of the night cuddled in bed with Phoenix watching tv. I wouldn't of wanted to spend my evening any other way.

Well one more year closer to 30 but also closer to meeting our baby which I think will make turning 30 that much more special and a lot less scary!

- Mrs

a Baby?......A BABY!!

Well I think it's time to remove the ? from my title.

I took a test on Christmas eve without much hope of seeing a + but low and behold it popped up right away. I had planned on waiting until Christmas to test but I got a sign that made me test early. Mr and I ordered in Chinese for supper on Christmas eve and after reading my fortune I thought I should test.

Testing Christmas eve did have one down side - I couldn't tell Mr right away. After we finished our supper E and A came over for a visit and to open presents and then we went to Mr's parents place to hang out for a bit. I also had to work Christmas day so I didn't want to just tell Mr and run. Also I had a cute way of telling him planned and I was not at all ready for it and didn't have the time to prepare. So Christmas morning I got up extra early before work and ironed on some logos of his fav NHL team to a onesie and a bib and got is present all ready for when I got home from work.

I was so excited to give it to him when I got home that I didn't even bother to wrap it. Just put it in a box with some tissue and the tests underneath the onesie and bib. He was completely confused at first when he opened it. Looked and me, looked at the bib, looked at me then seen the tests peeking out from underneath the onesie. Needless to say when he finally clued in he was in shock. We must of hugged a dozen times in the matter of a minute. He is beyond excited and has been so great with everything since I told him.

Christmas seems to be our time of year. Five years ago I brought home our boxer baby P as a surprise present for Mr, then in 2008 he proposed on Christmas Eve and now a baby in 2011!

We haven't told our parents yet. I'm open to telling Mr's parents when ever because they just live next door and well they are going to figure something is up sooner or later. As for my parents they both live four hours away in a different province and my mom and her husband are also gone to Florida now until February. So I can't tell my father without telling my mother and I don't want to tell either of them over the phone so I guess it will have to wait until February sometime.
Of course Erika already knows and Mr told his best friend Taylor before he left to go back out West for work and he won't be home until May.

Right now my EDD is September 5, 2011. Mr's birthday happens to be Sept 6  and Aly's birthday is Sept 2.

I went to my Drs last week to confirm with a blood test and it came back positive. I'm going to call this week sometime to schedule an appointment to talk to my Dr and see what happens from here as the nurse wasn't very helpful over the phone.

So fingers crossed and hope that everything goes well from here!

- Mrs

Fall...

I always here people talking about their favorite seasons. I could never really say that I had a favorite...until now!

I have discovered my love for Fall. I know, a little late but better late than never!

Of course my #1 reason why I love Fall is the NFL season is back!! Mr and I spend Sundays watching the games and eating ridiculously unhealthy food. Love every minute of it!

This weekend however I discovered a few other reasons why I love Fall.

I finally got around to tackling my garden before the Winter. I have been putting it of for a month now and was starting to doubt if I was ever going to get it done. This is when I discovered my #2 reason - Fall gardening.
I feel like I have uncovered something new and exciting even though I know most people who garden do this every year. I normally clean things up a little and cut back some plants but that's about it. I put in a couple of hours work this year and it is going to make my life so much easier in the Spring.
I weeded, cut back, relocated, planted bulbs, dug up bulbs, and spread some mulch. It felt really good to get out and accomplish all of that. The best part about gardening this time of year is that all the bugs are gone!

After I had that all done I went to check on Mr and see what he was up to. He had been cleaning out this garage while I was gardening. Its a big place with a lot of stuff ('important' stuff though) everywhere. I decided to give him a hand with a few things and turned out to have a good afternoon with him.
Reason #3 why I love Fall - Mr and I usually work together to get things done around the yard and cleaned up for the Winter. Feels good to work together to get things done - Its time well spent together.
Its amazing how much of a different it makes to just clean up garbage and put things back where they belong - that accounted for about 75% of the mess. I helped Mr tidy up a few work benches and cleaned up all the recycling and took it back for refund. We made $25 off it, I know not a lot but money Mr would of just thrown in the garbage!

All and all it was a great day - beautiful day full of accomplishments and laughs. What more could you ask for!

I will leave you with this thought.....

GO PATS GO!!!!

- Mrs.

4 bdrm, 2.5 bath, 1 acre....? YES PLEASE!

I want a house.

If it was only that simple.

Mr and I currently live in a ~20 year old mobile home. We've had it for about 6 years now and while it was great in the beginning and better than wasting money on rent, I'm over it.
We got it for a really good price and moved it to a piece of land that his parents gave us. Which I should add is right next door to them (one of the many reasons why I'm over it).

We've spent a lot of time and money doing renovations here and there and has come leaps and bounds from what it looked like when we purchased it. I think sea foam green kitchen and baby pink living room paints an accurate visual. There just never seems to be an end to the things I want to do in here to make it feel more like a home, like something more than just a mobile home.

I've come to realize that this place just doesn't work for us any more and so has Mr for the most part but never enough to make him jump on board with looking at houses.
Everyday I struggle with the lack of space and storage this place offers. We are only two people right now and we have out grown it. We have three bedrooms, two of which are nothing more than storage space. Not to mention there are people with closets bigger than each of these rooms.
Our room is just big enough for a bed and two small dressers with a mediocre closet space.
I don't even want to think about when we have a baby. Which is probably the reason that this is frustrating me more and more all the time. There is definitely no way we could bring a baby (and everything that comes with it) into this mess. I'm sure if we had to we could make it work (that would also include a storage locker), but I don't want to. I would rather do it now, before I get pregnant or while in the first trimester. Who wants to pack and move (and unpack) when your strut has turned into a waddle and you can't see your feet. But....on the other hand it would mean not having to do all the moving. I think lots of breaks and 'couchpotato-fingerpoint decorating' would be in order.

I dream of owning a house with more space than I can fill, where things don't fall out of cupboards, where you have the freedom to re-arrange furniture where ever you want, enough space that you aren't tripping over each other, more than one floor and most importantly A SECOND BATHROOM!!!

Logically we should be buying a house and moving closer to where we work. We carpool with each other most days as our workplaces are within a short driving distance of each other. However the commute to work is 45 min each way and adds so much extra time to our days. I would love to be able to be home in 15 min....oh what I would do with that extra time and energy.
We would also be saving at least $200/month in gas which would be a good chunk of money to put towards a mortgage payment.

Mr knows of all the pros of us moving and agrees that it would be much nicer to be closer to town but just doesn't want to take the leap.
He's too attached to where we are, which in my opinion is why we are still where we are.
Everything for him besides work is here. The fire dept (where he volunteers), his friends, hockey/softball teams, and his family. This is where he grew up and I think he's having a hard time letting go.
Since I'm not from here I don't have those ties that he has. My work is in town, and my best friend E is there too. I would love to be able to see her more and stop in when ever instead of having to plan ahead to get together.

The only downside to us moving would be moving away from the in laws. I know you think I'm crazy...I do too. However Mr's mother only works three months out of the year in the spring time. Right now she watches our furbaby Phoenix during the day time while we are at work. They just got a boxer puppy in Sept so she enjoys going to see her and play - they have already become inseparable.
However when we have a baby and my year of maternity leave is up it would sure be nice not to have to worry about finding a child care. In order to get into a day care you have to put your name on a waiting list and can be a 2+ year wait sometimes. Not to mention very few take babies under two. So that leaves finding someone private who does so out of their home. Then you really have to start searching and doing your homework.

So there may only be one thing on my 'con' list against my long list of 'pros' but this one carries a lot of weight.

So do we stay or do we go?

- Mrs.

The Odd Couple

I know everyone has their quirks and every relationship is different but I can't help but think we might be a little odd.

Not long after Mr.M and I started living (circa 2005) together we stopped sharing; blankets that is.
Mr is a huge blanket hog and I'm a light sleeper which was resulting in a lot of lost sleep....for me. Sometimes I even wonder why he needs blankets because all he does is ball them up around his neck and chest. I on the other hand like to be snuggled in blankets and use them to their full potential.

We started off sharing blankets and soon after I discovered how bad his hogging habits were, I starting keeping a 'spare' on the floor next to the bed. That plan lasted for a while but when he started stealing my 'spare' because he tossed his on the floor I was back at square one.

Now we each have our own 'cocoons' as Mr. put it once. I know, sounds romantic right!? Mr. now has his blankets and I have mine. I can now be as wrapped up as I want to be and Mr. can be as free as he wants to be. Sometimes when I'm laying in bed I wonder how foolish we would look to someone else. So for a visual, courtesy of Paint and my artistic abilities you can all now see for yourselves!

I can't help but giggle at myself. One, because of this fine masterpiece I have created and Two, because I think how we sleep is a little on the weird side but I like it!

Mr. and I always have fun with this when it comes down to having sex. One of us will 'invite' the other one over to hang out in their cocoon. Then afterwards we go home to our separate sides of the bed.
I know it sounds silly but Mr. always makes me laugh when hes trying to get me to come over. Kinda brings me back to the booty-call/after the bar nights back when we were first dating.
I guess this is one of the ways we keep the fun alive in our sex life! lol

All this talk about bed has got me yawning and looking forward to crawling in my cocoon soon! Might have to pay Mr. a visit along the way!

Oh, and before I forget. Patriots win, Patriots win! :)

Mrs.

CAUTION: Rant Ahead

Sunday Sucked...big time. Fair warning, this is going to be long!
Lets start at the beginning.

Woke up Sunday morning after only getting about 3 hours of sleep. Mr.M is a volunteer Fire Fighter and was out on a call Saturday night and didn't get home until 2:30am. I can never sleep when he's gone to a call so it was about 3 or 3:30am by the time I got to sleep.
Still half asleep I found my way to the bathroom and there she was. That nasty little b*tch that I would love to punch in the face if I could....AF. Like seriously, WTF. Not fair at all. She showed up 3 days early and with no warning. So there I sat at 6:30 in the morning in the bathroom sobbing.
Then the thoughts about my cycle start.

This gives me a 9 day LP - seriously...thought we agreed on 12.
Past two cycles my post-O symptoms have been similar...this cycle they were different.
What pissed me off the most was my later than normal O this cycle. Have been ovulating around CD15-17. This cycle - CD 21. All cycle I prayed for an earlier or later than normal O because Mr. was out of town the weekend I typically would of O'd. Then when my wish was granted I thought *maybe* this is a sign that this cycle is our cycle to conceive. NOPE! The joke is on me.

I sobbed some more then put on my big girl panties and went to get coffee (Mr. was still sleeping). Got myself a full cup of caffeine (usually get 1/2 decaf) and thoroughly enjoyed every drop! Spend an hour sitting out on the deck with my coffee, my thoughts and Phoenix. She is always great company when I'm feeling down.

So the other great part about AF showing up was that I was out of tampons and it was Sunday. Couldn't just pop down to the pharmacy down the street to hold me over. Had to make myself look decent enough to be in public - remember I'm on three hours of sleep and feel like a bag of crap thanks to the cramps AF brought with her. Ugh FML. So I headed into Shoppers Drug Mart. Was just going to be an in and out trip but when I got there I crossed off that plan and decided to be nosey and have some retail therapy. Had a great little shopping trip and found some great deals/sales.
Well my suddenly uplifted mood left as soon as it arrived when I went to get some tampons. Why must the pads and tampons be in the same friggin aisle as the baby stuff. The thought seriously crossed my mind to run down the aisle with my hand out and knock all the diapers off and then drop kick a few. Instead I pulled my big girl panties up a little higher and reluctantly got what I needed and got out of there and headed up. Once again with my mood in the dumps.

Our afternoon was spent watching football just like every other Sunday this time of year. It was a great way to spend an otherwise crappy day with Mr. Well that is until the Eagles (Mr.'s team) and the Patriots (my team) both got an ass whooping.

What a crap-tastic day yesterday was!

Woke up this morning with a killer headache and with what felt like a demolition crew in my uterus. Turned the alarm off, rolled back over and decided that I wasn't going to work today. Didn't feel like dealing with all of that at work...or baby factory whatever you want to call it.

To top Sunday off I logged on to The Bump today and was greeted with this:

Thanks Bump...just what I wanted to see this morning!

Spent my frustration cleaning and organizing the bathroom cabinets this afternoon.
On the upside for today, my friend (who is also my hairdresser) asked me to be her model for a fun hair show in November! So pumped! Definitely needed that today!

Well on to cycle 7 I guess....here's to hoping this is the one.....*sigh*

Mrs.M

Yet another announcement....

Well I have debated for a few days on wether to write this post but here I am finding the need to get it out.

Wednesday was a rough day for me emotionally for a few hours.
Let me start off by saying that truely, deep down I am estatic and happy for other couples who are trying to get pregnant and get their BFP ("big fat positive").

A co-worker shared their good news with everyone mid-morning on Wednesday. It was completely unexpected and would never of guessed it in a million years. Christine and her husband are both great people and I am so happy for them. They are both 40 and 40+ and she has always said that she (they) never wanted kids. So you can understand my slight shock when I found out. She's 17 weeks which makes it even harder to believe that she kept it a 'secret' that long!

So this leaves us with 5 current pregnancies in my dept (+two out on maternity leave). So as of right now there are co-workers due in October, November, December, January and February. Doesn't help matter that 4 of these women I am 'friends' with at work and so I am not looking forward to work when they are gone on mat leave.

I know we've only been trying for 6 months now but why is it that everyone else has to be trying all of a sudden now too. Of the 5 pregnancies, 2 were sort-of 'accidents' and 2 got KU ('knocked up') on the first try. The women I talk to at work know we are TTC but not much more than that.
Like I said I was so excited to hear about C being pregnant but that quickly faded and then all the 'why not me' thoughts started flowing. Half of what I was feeling was slightly resentful and the other half was anger towards myself for having these thoughts. I hate that I start to think like this when I hear pregnancy news but with currently 10 women I personally know KU it starting to weigh on me.

I was fighting back some tears a few times and managed to pull myself together before anyone caught on to what was going on. I didn't want anyone to think I was the 'stuck-up b*tch' who couldn't be happy for anyone else. Another co-worker Kelly, stopped me and pulled me aside and said "don't worry your time will come". Just when I thought I had gone undetected. Just those simple words started to bring tears to my eyes again so all I could said to her was that I didn't want to talk about it right now or I would start crying. She understood and then let me be. A little while later she was over working near me and I pulled her aside to appologize if I came off rude. She said she understood and then I devulged a little more to her and vented just a little. She was very reassuring and comforting, more importantly she knew where I was coming from.

What stung the most was the comments from other co-workers about those of us who aren't pregnant yet. There is one older lady, Meryl who drives the hell out of me on a daily basis. She is a gossip queen and will walk all the way across the dept to eavesdrop/participate in other peoples conversations, watch what you do on your 'personal' computer time and read over your shoulder (checking email, FB, etc.) So of course she was in the middle of this conversation and had lots to say. "Alright girls, who's next?", "There's still time for you all to be off on maternity leave together if the rest of you hurry", blah blah blah. I wanted to slap her. Instead when she said something about us hurrying I said "Its not from lack of trying" and walked about. I didn't hear another peep out of her after that.
Then later in the day someone taped a note to the water cooler that said "Caution may cause pregnancy". At first I had a sense of humour about it but the more I thought about it that quickly faded. Walking by and seeing that for the rest of the afternoon made me want to knock it over. No one still has claimed ownership to putting it there. Christine despite being KU, confessed to me later that day that it was pissing her off too and that she didn't find it funny either. Made me feel better knowing that it wasn't just me.
I just wish people would be more sensitive about things like this. The what I consider to be 'rude' comments from other co-workers should be kept to themselves. What do they know. The other women and I in the 'non-pregnant' group could be dealing with some issues preventing pregnancy or making it difficult. Therefor those comments can be hurtful and painful to hear. I know for a fact that another co-worker would love to be TTC right now but can't due to her body on the process to recovering from having to have her thyroid radiated. By the look on her face, she doesn't appreciate these comments either.
I've decided for myself that I'm not going to deal with them anymore. Without turning into a b*tch, I am going to hopefully put an end to those comments by not ignoring them and instead responding to them with firm neutral responses. Hopefully Meryl will learn some boundaries and keep her nose out of my business.

I was 'secretly' texting my BF, Erika during all of this and she was being such an amazing friend and really helped to calm me down. I decided to take a long lunch and meet up with her. I just needed to get out of the building and clear my head. We had a great lunch and it was just what I needed. I went back to work feeling refreshed and much better about the situation. More importantly I was able to forget all the negativity I was feeling. I cannot praise Erika enough for her role in my life. I really don't know what I would do without her. She always comes through for me when I need her.

So glad to get this all down...definitely needed it. Now to enjoy the yummy chicken dinner that I have cooking and watch some football with Mr.M

-Mrs

One is the loneliest number....

Mr. left on Thursday morning to go to a softball tournament 12 hours away in another province. Kept myself busy until tonight so I'm really missing his presense in the house.

Thursday night I got together with a friend Rachel to hang out for a few hours and watch Big Brother. We are both 'ball widows' this week as our husbands both play on the same team (and are best friends). I think we both enjoyed having someone else to watch the show with seeing as it something we both normally do with our husbands. Had a hard time falling asleep that night though as I normally do if he's not home. Ended up sleeping on the couch because I was too lazy to get up and go to bed.

Friday I spent the evening with Erika and baby Aly...well I guess I can't really call her a baby anymore. She just turned two at the beginning of the month and I still can't believe it. I picked up some takeout on my way there and we had a lovely dinner. A definately kept my mind off missing Mr.M. She kills me with her laugh and her little facial expressions. I notice more and more lately how she is turning into a little girl now and developing quite the little personality. She is a very special little girl to me and lights up my day every time I see her.
After A went to bed, Erika and I watched Arthur. Had quite a few good laughs thas for sure! Mr. called during the movie. He was texting me Thursday and Friday but it was on Rachel's hubbys phone so it just didn't feel the same. Was never 100% sure who I was talking to. It was nice to finally get to actually talk to him and hear his voice. 

Had a great time the past two days but here I am tonight feeling pretty lonely. I switched my weekend shifts at work from next weekend to this weekend, so that I could work this weekend while Mr. was gone to avoid feeling lonely all day. I'm torn with how I feel about missing him.

On one hand it's normal to miss someone when they are gone but on the other I can't help but think I'm too attached. Our furbaby Phoenix certainly misses him too. She's always looking for him and waiting him to walk in the door behind me. Breaks my heart a little more seeing her miss him.  For whatever reason if Mr. is gone for more than a day I find myself dwelling on the fact that he's gone. When ever we are both home I have no problem finding things to keep me busy. I see other wives/girlfriends excited and celebrating when their other halves are away for a few days. Happy that they have a few days for themselves and can do whatever they want. I don't think that will ever be me. I know me and I know that I can 'live' without Mr. literally speaking for a few days but what I really know is that given the choice I would rather have him here. You can't be a Mrs. without a Mr.

As far as girlfriends go, I really only have Rachel and Erika that I see on a regular basis and talk to.
So other than them, Mr. is the only other constant thing I can count on.
The one who asks me about my day, the one who shares his stories with me, the one who's always there with a helping hand, the one who knows me best and the one who always knows how to make me smile. I miss the ways he makes me smile and laugh the most.
I love our life and everything in it and wouldn't change it for anything. I love the simplicity of it and how genuine it is.

Finally with all that said I feel a million times better. I guess I just needed to get it out and breathe. Mr. will be home before I know it and doing something to annoy me! Such is the married life!

Now I think it's time to curl up with Phoenix and watch a chick-flick!

Mrs.M

Awkward

Last night Mr.M and I stayed in and watched a movie. Not out of the ordinary for us. We watch so many movies I forget what we've seen. More and more lately it seems the movies we watch seem to have a pregnant woman in them - or it is just that I'm actually noticing it more?

This has left me feeling like I'm back in my late teens/early twenties. When watching movies with a boy that had sex scenes left an awkward or uncomfortable feeling in the air. In the movie last night there was a lot of pregnancy related attention and conversation. I found myself shying away from Mr. during these scenes.

I'm a grown married woman...why do I feel so embarassed about this? Why is a movie making me feel so incomplete not being pregnant...like I don't measure up for whatever reason. Why am I getting so worked up about not being pregnant yet? Its only been 6 months. I battled these thoughts back and forth in my head thoughout the movie. Mostly being angry with myself for letting something like this get to me.

But with one simple gesture from Mr. a weight was lifted. It's amazing how a simple, out of the blue kiss can make all the thoughts and worry disappear.

Sometimes its the simple things in life that take our breath away....

Mrs.M

Ready, Set, Go!

Well here it is. Finally sitting down to write my first post in my blog.
I have been pondering the idea of starting one for a few months now. Before I met Mr.M and while we were dating I loved using diary-x and livejournal as a place to vent and get my thoughts out of my head. So here I am again finding the need to have an outlet for all of lifes ups and downs.

I met Mr. at university in 2003. I hate saying it was love at first site for the sake of sounding corny but I think it was. Before him, my longest relationship was just a few months and I always found something to turn me off a guy. There was just something about him that clicked with me. We had a very long and rocky road over the next year and a half that I won't get into. I hate that part of mine/our past and am not proud of a lot of things. Through it all I just couldn't shake him from my mind or my heart. In January 2005, I took a leap of faith and I moved where I am today to be with him and hopefully find our happy ending. We're far from perfect but I wouldn't change where or who I am today and have truely found happiness with him and am so thankful that I listened to my heart for the first time in my life. We got engaged on Christmas Eve 2008 and were married in August of 2010. It was the most amazing and perfect day and I couldn't of asked for anything more.

Mr and I are both 28...well he will be 28 in a few days. The love of both of our lives is our fur-baby P. She is a boxer and will be 5 years old in October. I can't remember what life was like for us before she came into our lives. I got her as a surprise Christmas present for Mr. in 2006. She is such a daddy's girl and to this day remains the best present he has ever received!

Mr and I survived our first year of marriage and are now looking forward to the next step in our lives; a baby. We have been TTC (trying to conceive) since April - currently on cycle 7 cycle 6.(oops) A year ago I thought I was ready for and wanted a baby but I now know 100% that I am at the right place in life and the desire is that much stronger. Mr and I had a heart to heart about starting a family while on our honeymoon in the Dominican in March. First serious adult conversation we had as a married couple. Just watching him interact with my best friends two year old daughter is priceless to me. I know he will be an amazing dad and can't wait for that day to come when I can tell him he's going to be a father.

So that's us in a nutshell. Looking forward to having my own place where I can share, vent, and most of all a place where I can breathe and just be me.

-Mrs.M